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Speaking From the Diaphragm

The Vaginal Davis Blog

. . .From the Counsel of Inter-Continental Balistic Principalities

Thursday, January 27, 2005

COUSIN KOUSINE
KISSING COUNSINS
Im in trouble with the Secretary of State. Yes, thats right. Ive made fun of her in public by singing some ribald songs about her relationship with President Shrub. Who can forget her classic Freudian slip when she let slip out during and interview calling Dubya , "Her husband" Well she actually called me on the phone asking me very nicely not to mention to the media that we are related. She's already confirmed so i don't understand why it matters now. Who would ever figure out anyway that Im a not so distant relative of Condi, even though we do look a little alike. But now that she has formally asked me to distance my family connection, Im going to start talking about it non-stop. Up until now I've been rather nice about it, and black drag queens are rarely nice.

So here it is, la familia "T" for all the world to know: Condolezi Rice is my cousin, and actually shes my first cousin. Until she got involved with the president she was basically a non sexual dyke. Wound too tight and way too brittle, more so than any brittle blonde i know. Thats why she's remained a lesbian virgen, but she is definitely bumping bush with Mr. Dub. Who Ive heard from reliable sources doesnt have a very large penis but does have a giant mushroom headed knob. Both Diane "I Am a Man" Feinstein and Barbara Boxer were too lenient with Condi during the senate hearings, at least Babs challenged her, but not enough for it to count.

.: posted by Vaginal Davis 7:56 PM


Monday, January 24, 2005

THE VOORHEESCYCLE DIARIES

This little emug came to me from hot hunky latin hungthrob Ceasar Vega who is doing his Che' thing and retracing the Guevara steps through South America.

Greetings

Happy Everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My apologies in advance for the length of this message lots to tell,
Ill try to be brief, as my trip winds down i thought id send some
highlights your way.

PERU
Lima: underwhelming, although in the seven hours i was there i did
manage to find a casino with a huge nativity scene at the front door and then a
restaurant that was showing a soft-core porn soap opera on tv, they also
served chicken soup with corn nuts in it. i guess it wasnt so bad.

Cusco: truly amazing, beautiful, the people are great but there is noise
polution like crazy, cabbies honk every few yards all day and all
night - i dont know why.
Coca leaves never tasted so good - really, nothing happens but you do
avoid altitude sickness and i guess thats what happens. Also, the
prostitutes are very short here.

Machu Picchu: YOU ALL HAVE TO GO.

Lake Titicaca: slept in a straw hut on a floating island in the middle
of the lake where the people have no electricity and cook in little clay
stoves - unreal!

Bolivia: Ever wonder where all the trash goes that you see on barges and trucks
all over the world? It all goes to Bolivia, mainly La Paz. The landscape
is amazing but your chances of finding a bar of soap and toilet paper in a
bathroom are much lower than seeing a woman hack apart a roasted pig
with a machete during a bus trip somewhere. This country will make you
appreciate simple pleasures like washing your hands or wiping your ass with
something other than newspaper. Also, I had never seen an entire family pissing in
the street before.

Uruguay: Nice scenery, Montevideo is quiet except for the coked out guy in the
room next door to me that wanted me to help him double team a girl he had in
his bed "shes pretending shes asleep but shes really not" is what he kept
saying, I guess im getting old - but at 7AM i needed coffee more than
a 3-way. Really.

ARGENTINA: I love this country, it feels like home - not like LA but comfortable.
Ive gained about ten pounds since i got here i swear im becoming a
vegetarian when i get back home. They are bigger meat eaters here than in Texas,
blood sausage never tasted so good, I know it sounds sick but it is good,
it also looks sick now that i think of it but it tastes good, now that
im writing this i realize that the consistency of the blood sausage is also
pretty disgusting but it indeed tastes good, go figure.
This city is busy as fuck, you have european architecture and a pace
that is fast and furious cab drivers run the streets as if every fare was
part of the indy 500 and bus drivers drive as if they were in mini coopers -
lots of bad tattoos everywhere, you can smoke in cabs, restaurants, AND
you can drink while walking down the street, my favorite - LOVE IT!
My shoes were smelly as hell by the time i got here after walking
through mud, rain, Bolivia, etc. and i was a bit tired so the same day i found
one Chinese guy that washed my shoes and another Chinese guy that gave me a
massage, both with Argentinean accents - Thank Buddah (the Chinese are
everywhere) I felt like a new man.
The people are great here, cab drivers know everything about everthing
and are not afraid to tell you why the country is in bad political shape or
let you in on the conspiracy that the Chinese (the yellow giant) have in the
works to change the rate of the earths movement around the sun in order
cause "natural" disasters and slowly conquer the world. On the street when
you ask for directions people tell you which way to go so you dontt get
mugged, you can see plenty of fistfights on the train depending on the
neighborhood youre going to, its not uncommon to see a guy with his
wife and two kids zooming buy on a motorcycle, and yes lots and lots and
lots of beautiful girls.
CASQUE D'OR
And this from the super smart global editrix Glenn Belverio, I love him so much. He's brilliantine!

HI Doll - it's ok to blog this one....it's about my day today at Kelly Cutrone's office:
I show up at 4:30 sharp at the offices of People's Revolution to meet Australian fashion designers Tsubi (Yes, the ones who released live rats on the runway in Melbourne 4 years ago). The elevator doors open and I step into the room, right into the middle of a camera crew who are filming a very loud jazz-rock ensemble from the Balkans who are performing a few feet away. I timidly sit down next to Kelly Cutrone, the firebrand publicist who owns People's Rev, and when the pounding drums and screaming saxophone stops, suddenly the camera swings in my direction and a boom mic is hanging over my head. "Introduce him", orders a woman holding a clipboard. My brain is completely frozen - it's 10F outside - but I try to take it in stride. "Kelly, what the heck is going on?"

"Oh, E! is shooting a reality show about me producing my shows for fashion week" she says casually and then "THIS is Glenn Belverio, the HOTTEST fashion writer in NY and the world. He writes for the super-snooty Zoo magazine AND he's a Communist!"

"I'm NOT a Communist anymore!" I protest to the camera. "That was LAST year!"

"Oh right, I forgot. You're only a Communist when you're in China", Kelly retorts. Just then the designers from Tsubi wander in and one of them has just stepped on a rusty nail while working on his new store space. Kelly brings him some antiseptic and he runs to the bathroom. The camera crew kicks the door open and starts filming the bleeding barefoot Aussie and Kelly muscles in next to him and delivers her sales pitch "This is Nick from Tsubi, one of Sydney's hottest designers and I'M doing their PR!"

While I'm chatting with the other Tsubi designer, Kelly sweeps toward me with the camera crew in tow and gestures grandly in my direction. "And NOW - Glenn Belverio will interview the designers from Tsubi!"

"What!?" I panic "They're going to FILM me looking at their clothes and muttering 'oh wow, this is great'? What, do you think, I'm going to interview them on camera and make them cry like Barbara Wah-Wah would?!"

"They sick rats on fashion editors and YOU think you can make them cry?" a wise-cracking intern in the corner quips. She reminds me of an 18-yr old version of Birdie in "All About Eve".

"Ok, they won't film it" Kelly decides judiciously. "Hey! The yoga instructor is here! It's time for People's Rev yoga hour! Follow me boys!" And she flies into another room with the camera crew chasing after her.

THE DOUBLE HEADER
Is the name of the oldest gay bar in the country with the same owners, located in Seattle's skid row of Pioneer Square. I love this tavern---it screams history is made at gnight. I'd like to do a Bricktops, Seattle. Of course there wasn't enough time on this particular visit.
Academe Sonnet Retman brought me out to the University of Washington for a lecture series that also involved Robert Lopez of El Vez and The Zeros fame. Robert lives in Seattle and owns his own home. It was nice seeing him after what seems like ages. I haven't been to Seattle since 1996 when the Center of Contemporary Art (CoCa) last brought me out. I use to come almost once a year. Boy has the town changed since the post dot.com crash. I didn't recognize the town. UofW put me up at this cute hotel in the University District called the Watertown. Very modern with cute boys working the front desk.

After my lecture, there was a sweet reception and i chit chatted with a bevy of beaufiful young grad students. Yummy. Later the same evening i presented a juicy selection of my experimental film ouvre at the North West Film Forum. Nice crowd and the managing director is my olde Coca pal Susie Purves, who is as sweet as she can be. I received some good press, in the Seattle Times, The Stranger and even "The Gays" wrote about me.
The tall lanky director of the NW Film Forum was really sexy with his thick eyewear, and so was this young filmmaker boy who was wearing a Russian Babooshka hat
. I didn't have any major romantic escapade, and that was disappointing. Oh welp.
My good dinge queen pal, Jimothy Jones of Zero Hour fame was a wonderful hostessa taking me to the nearbye hamlet of Ballard. Which has become the new boho enclave. Loved the bars and buildings. Jimothy lives in the Queen Anne section of the city and i stayed a two nights with him after being in the hotel. He has a thai roommate and has become a lesbian with two very large cats. Ran into my former Club Sucker partner Dale at the Eagle bar, where i gather he has become the house queen. Dale seems a little sleepless in Seattle, but he looked good. I didn't realize Seattle was such a crystal meth haven. Is Crystal taking over the known world? If i'm going to become a drug mess, I'd better hurry.

O and Jeffreyland Hilberts muscular younger brother Kurt, who use to be a straight frat jock, and is now the belle of the Seattle bar scene. Kurt is a living doll, and supported me by coming to my screening with an entourage of lovely pals.
My time in Seattle ended with a giant country breakfast at a soul food cafe, that Jimothy and his sexy new boyfriend Thomas took me to. Thomas is a professional baseball player and a stud, when he gave me a hug goodbye i got to be wrapped in the strong, secure arms of a real no nonsense masculine man. Boy was it ever exciting and thrilling.

.: posted by Vaginal Davis 6:40 PM